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Go Light on the Heavy Water
Regular Prisoners * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis Camp Personnel * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner Semi-Regulars * Fraulein Helga - Cynthia Lynn Guest Stars * Captain Mueller - John Stephenson * Sergeant Steinfeld - Lawrence Montaigne * Scotty - Eddie Firestone Synopsis At the start of the episode, a heavily protected German truck, followed by soldiers driving motorcycles, is going down a road. After a while, the vehicles stops on that same road because of the heavy aerial bombardment that they were driving through. Two Germans then exits the truck, and start to converse, to decide what to do, since they can no longer go on because of the air raid. The two looked over a map, and decide on where they should stay until the bombardment was over. Upon seeing that Stalag 13 wasn't too far from their present location, they decide to go there. The next scene shows Hogan kissing Helga in her office, with Hogan soon commenting that he was due an hour's recreation since he had missed the volleyball game. Helga then comments on Hogan's shaving lotion. Colonel Klink then opens the door to his office, and have the two fall into his arms, as they were standing in front of the door. After coming up with an explanation for their being in front of the door, with Helga claiming that she had been telling Hogan that Colonel Klink did not want to be disturb, Klink thanks her and then dismisses his secretary, while Hogan walks into his office. Klink quickly informs Hogan that any more demonstations during air raids would be punished. He then informs Hogan that the raid has only caused minor damage, an illustration of the efficiency of the "Illustrious Luftwaffe". Then Captain Mueller, the officer from the truck, enters Klink's office with Schultz, who informs Klink that the Captain wanted to stay in the camp for a while. Schultz then informs Klink that the Captain and his men had been caught in the same raid which had destroyed a nearby Messerschmitt factory, and that the planes have all gotten away before the "Luftwaffe" could arrive to stop them. Hogan and Schultz then leaves Klink's office. Once they're gone, the Captain asks Klink for sanctuary for him and his group, then tells Klink that they were on their way to Berlin with an important cargo from Norway for a secret project and that they needed shelter for the moment. He then starts to tell him what was inside the truck. The prisoners look out the window of Barracks 2, all of them trying to figure out what was actually inside the parked truck. Schultz then enters the barracks, asking Hogan for some of his after-shave lotion. Hogan asks Schultz what was inside the truck in exchange for the lotion. Schultz tells him that the driver had told him that it was only a barrel of water from Norway. Hogan and the other prisoners believe that Schultz is telling them the truth, but they do not believe that the driver had told him the truth. A short time later, Hogan and Kinchloe are seen near the truck, with Kinch carrying a "No Smoking" sign. Hogan talks with the sergeant of the guards who were guarding the truck and tells him that they were going to put up the sign so that no one would smoke near the Nitro that was inside the truck. The sergeant denies that there was any nitro inside, but Hogan is finally able to convince him that there is. He then tells Kinch to put the sign up. After that was done, the two leave. Newkirk is then seen near the truck, about to take a smoke. The Sergeant tries to stop Newkirk from smoking, and is soon joined by the other guard when Newkirk refuses. Newkirk resists the two guards, complaining as he does so, while Carter enters the truck and gets a sample of what was inside the barrel. After that was completed, Hogan arrives, and after the guards stop, they show the no smoking sign to Newkirk. Upon seeing it, Newkirk apoloziges for his earlier behavior. At that point, Klink appears, asking what was going on. As the head guard tries to explain, he sees Klink's cigarette holder and quickly removes it from Klink's mouth. He then shows the no smoking sign to a flabergasted Klink. Klink sees it and then demands that the sign be taken down, after informing Hogan that the only thing inside the truck was a barrel of water. Hogan and Newkirk don't believe Klink's story, thinking that the Captain was keeping him in the dark about what was really inside the barrel. Inside the barracks, Carter tests the sample, then drinks it. He informs the others that it was indeed water. The heroes then contact London, via a sub, informing them that the Germans had a barrel of water from Norway headed for Berlin inside the camp and they wanted to know what to do with it. The response they receive was that the barrel was to be destroyed at all cost. The barrel's content was actually Heavy water, which was to be used for atomic research. Hogan is soon back in Helga's office, kissing the secretary again. Klink appears and interrupts them again. After Helga leaves, Hogan apologizes for the earlier incident, then he start talking to the Kommandant, soon convincing him that the water inside the truck actually came from a spa in Norway which Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI use to visit. The water itself have helped grow hair for King Louis XVI. He then suggests that the high command shouldn't get all of the water. Klink later go into the back of the truck to check on the water, under the pretense of making sure that it was safe. Once inside the truck, he tastes the water, which was observed by the prisoners of Barracks 2, including Hogan. The next day, Helga pretends to notice a spring in Klink's step and to have found some dandruff on his shoulder. Hogan later enters Klink's office with a list of complaints for the Red Cross, while getting a nod from Helga informing him that she had performed her part of the act. He then pretends to notice something different about Klink, before the Kommandant happily exclaims that he had earlier been told that he has dandruff. Hogan, with mock surprise, asks Klink if he had drank some of the water. Klink refuses to admit that he did. Hogan then slyly suggest that Klink gets the barrel for himself. That night, Klink plans to replace the barrel of heavy water with a barrel containing ordinary water. Klink goes to Schultz, who is guarding the truck, and bribes him with the promise of a promotion. Schultz accepts the bribe and goes into the truck to help Klink switch barrels. But the plan is foiled when Captain Mueller appears and informs the two that the water in the barrel was heavy water, and was to be used for atomic experiments. When Klink asks if he would die from drinking the water, Mueller's reply is only if Berlin finds out what he was going to do. With their original plan foiled, Hogan and his men now have to come up with their own to replace that barrel. They first have a barrel created, which is then filled with water. Next, Newkirk and Carter creates a diversion by throwing a couple of incendiaries outside Klink's office window. The incendiaries start a fire in front of Klink's office, which is soon noticed by Schultz, Hogan, Newkirk, Carter, Kinch and Scotty, who start yelling fire. This soon causes a commotion among the guards, while Hogan convinces the sergeant guarding the truck to move it away from the building, to keep it from exploding. The truck is soon in front of one of the barracks. During the distraction, Kinch and Scotty replaces the barrel of heavy water with the ordinary barrel of water. Meantime, Klink, after getting his important papers, heads for his office window, prepared to jump, and ran right into the water that was coming from a firehose, before finally getting out of his office, falling onto the ground because Newkirk and Carter wouldn't catch him, after having promised him that they would. Afterwards, Mueller, who have joined Klink and Hogan, informs Klink that the water was safe, thanks to Hogan. The German captain then boasts to Hogan that he might have actually shorten the war. A smiling Hogan comments that he wouldn't be surprise, since he knew that the barrel now inside the truck wasn't the one containing heavy water. Later, Hogan is kissing Helga for a third time in the episode, before he goes in to see Klink, after the pair performs yet another snow job on him. Once inside, Klink braggs to Hogan that he wasn't fooled by him, that he knew that the barrel contained heavy water all the time, and that he was just playing along. As he has a hand on his helmet, Klink adds that you don't get to the rank of Colonel by being an ignorant fool. At this point, Hogan pretends to notice Klink's hair again. Hogan leaves Klink's office. Once Klink was alone, he looks in a mirror. As he does, he ponders if the heavy water do indeed make hair grow. Story Notes * This is the tenth produced episode of the series, but is the ninth one to be shown on television. * LeBeau does not appear in this episode. No reason for his absence is ever given. He is replaced by Scotty for this episode. Scotty continually appears on the show as a background prisoner/character, saying an occasional line or two. * This is John Stephenson's first appearance in the series. He is better remembered as a voice actor on The Flintstones. * Two historical figures are mentioned in this episode: Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI. Quotes As Captain Mueller reads a map, while his sergeant holds a lighted match over it: * Sergeant: Shall we take cover here? * Captain Mueller: DUMMKOPF! With what we're carrying?... Do you realize what will happen to all of us if we do not deliver this cargo to Berlin safely? * Sergeant: The Russian front. * Captain Mueller (nods gravely): And we be just in time for the winter sports. Mueller continues looking at the map. * Captain Mueller (continuing): Hmm - we are only a few minutes away from a prisoner of war camp. That's where we will go. * Sergeant: Is our cargo safe there? * Captain Mueller: The Allies would never bomb their own men. Stalag 13? The toughest camp in all of Germany. --------------------------------- From the Heroes to their contacts in London via sub: * Heroes: Big bad wolf has a barrel of water from Vikingsville. --------------------------------- Hogan, as he and the other prisoners watch Klink drink from the barrel containing heavy water: * Hogan: Who ever said, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?" ---------------------------------- Conversation after Hogan has falsely noticed a difference in Klink's appearance: * Hogan: I don't know. There's something different about you. * Klink: What's different? * Hogan: I can't put my finger on it. * Klink: Maybe my walk is a little springier? (Klink then starts to walk springier.) * Hogan: Yeah... you seem... I don't know... * Klink: More youthful? * Hogan: Yeah, yeah... that too. Klink crosses over to Hogan and then brushes his shoulder. * Klink (Estatic): I had danruff today. * Hogan (Looks at Klink's head): I can't believe it. You're really growing... (Stop) Wait a minute. Did you get to that water? * Klink (indignant): Colonel Hogan! I am a loyal soldier. if the water is going to Berlin, it is going to Berlin. * Hogan: Well, it's a shame. A barrel of that stuff and you'd be a bushy-haired kid again. Klink unconsciously rubs his head (for the third time that episode). ----------------------------------- After Mueller catches Klink and Schultz inside his truck: * Klink: Ah, Captain Mueller. * Mueller: Colonel, what were you doing? * Klink: Just checking the valuable cargo, Captain. By the way, I found out about the water. * Mueller: You did? From whom? * Klink: Colonel Hogan. * Mueller: He knows! * Klink: Yes, the Frenchman told him. * Mueller: How did the Frenchman find out? * Klink: Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI of France used to go to that spa in Norway for that same water. It does wonder for you. * Mueller (through clenched teeth): Colonel Klink, somebody is making a fool of you. * Klink: What do you mean? * Mueller (in a very low stage whisper): This water is for use in nuclear experiments. It is known as "heavy" water. * Klink (gasps, and clutching his throat): I drank some of that water. Will I die from it? * Mueller: Only if Berlin finds out. ----------------------------------- After a phony fire has been set outside of Klink's office, actually two incendiary devices, which were used to create a diversion so that the prisoners could replace the heavy water with a barrel of ordinary water: * Hogan (to Klink, as Mueller shows up): You all right, Colonel? * Klink: Yes... yes. Is the truck safe? * Mueller: Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan to thank for that. * Klink: Colonel Hogan? * Hogan: Well, I knew that barrel of water must be pretty important to you fellows. * Mueller: You may have done a service to your country, Colonel Hogan. Because of you, the war may be shortened. * Hogan (smiling, knowing the truth): I wouldn't be at all surprised, Captain. ------------------------------------ Klink, claiming that he knew what Hogan had been trying to get him to do earlier: * Klink: You don't rise to the rank of Colonel in the Luftwaffe because you are easy to fool. ------------------------------------- After Hogan is once more inside Klink's office, while claiming that he has noticed hair growing on Klink's hair: * Klink (As he sees Hogan looking at his hair): What is it? * Hogan: Maybe that heavy water does grow hair. After Hogan leaves, Klink looks into the mirror. Bloopers * In one scene, the prisoners convinced Klink that his office was on fire so that he was forced to pick up his papers and jump out of a window. Only the window's location does not match with the exterior of the office setup. External links * Hogan's Heroes Fanclub * Webstalag 13 * The Hofbrau * TV.com Television stories Category:Season One